To be loved
When I was young I wanted to be adored and appreciated. To achieve this I decided I would entertain people. I would copy Victoria Wood sketches and perform them for my parents. Make up dance routines, sing songs. But I was never precocious or pushy, I never had that all-consuming passion to be famous. I just wanted to make people happy.
No conflict for me thank you
As a child and as an adult, I’ve just never had that fight in me. When I was 11 I used to go to dance school, you know tap, modern, that kind of thing. I auditioned for the lead for a production we were doing at the big dance festival. Low and behold, I got the part, but the girl who normally played the lead was devastated, she couldn’t believe she’d lost out to me, so I calmly walked over and said she could have the lead. I’d do something else (I was a roaring success in the minor part of ‘Wicked Queen of Thunder, thank you very much.) But you see, that was my issue. No drive or ambition. I have never had the ability within me to fight for my shot. I’d rather concede so others could be happy.
Nearly 20 years later, while working in the NHS as a secretary, I was temporarily promoted to a PA to two directors while their PA was on Maternity leave. I was good at it. So much so, when my colleague returned from maternity leave they offered to split the job, I’d take care of one director, she’d work for the other. The work load was building up and I thought she’d be glad of the job split being a new mum, but she wasn’t.
Whether it was her pride, or whether she felt threatened by me… or maybe she just really didn’t like me? I don’t know, but she kicked up such a fuss about how there was no way I was taking her job (I clearly wasn’t) that within a week I was back to my old position and old salary. Did I fight back? Did plead my case? No. If she desperately wanted me out that much, why should I degrade myself? You see that’s me. I just walk away.
But why?
I’d like to say it was for my own personal peace. But I think it’s more to do with my fear of conflict. I cannot bear it. I cannot bear anger in any form. I just want to get on with my life. The ironic thing is, if I feel there’s been an injustice for anyone else, if I feel someone else has had a bad ride, I’m the first one to open my gob. But for some reason I can’t advocate for myself.
And I guess that’s why, and I am getting to my point, I promise, that I have never really excelled in my career. I wanted to be a singer, I wanted to perform in the Westend, but I didn’t want it enough, clearly. I wanted to be a huge deal in the blogging world, but I just didn’t have that killer instinct.
It’s not in me, but as I’ve become older, I’ve realised that’s actually okay. Why did I want these things? What did I think I was going to achieve? What I truly want is to be comfortable. I want to be loved, but by the people that matter. I want to feel safe. I want to do things that benefit others. I still want to make everyone happy, but in a meaningful way.
The little things…
Now all I have to figure out, is how? That’s the bit I’m still not sure about. Ultimately, all this is fleeting. Money, jobs, people. You have to find your good people. Your happy people. You have to find a place where you’re happy with yourself. It sounds corny, but there’s comfort in the little things.
Love and life is incredibly hard, devastating at times and you have to find joy wherever you can find it. My joy is in my daughter, when she comes out with the most hilarious stories, my partner and his kindness, the way he makes me laugh until I cry, the way he laughs at my madness. My parents unwavering love and support no matter what I put them through. My friend’s love, sarcasm, daftness and the fact that even when we haven’t seen each other for months on end I know one phone call is all it takes for them to be at my side.
